Monday, January 28, 2008

Live-blogging the SOTU

Much like last Halloween, I am sitting here in anticipation of the big event. What will the night bring? How well can I type while drinking wine. Is two bottles of wine per one person problematic?

So, for your reading pleasure and political edification, I am live blogging the last ever State of the Union by the sorriest sumbitch to ever take the State of the Union from "Whoohahhooie" to "feckin a'-screwin' myself would be cheaper and more pleasin'"

I hope the stupid bastard begins with "At long last, I can declare our dream of national prosperity to be over". Much later than the leftie pundits, but then, when have the rightie pundits been ahead of the curve? Okay, theoretically, they could be ahead of the curve by insisting that certain problems don't exist. For example, once the lefties have solved global warming and sustainability and other economic problems, the righties will say "See, we told you-no problems". (That also explains everything Clinton did for the Reagan legacy by reinstating practical taxation policies and creating a surplus out of the economic disaster that was the eighties).

Ooooh oooh here we go:

8:00 The guy is knocking on the door. I hope Pelosi says "If the chamber's a rockin' don't come a knockin'".

8:01 They let the creepy little bastard in.

8:02 Glad handing. Is Leiberman going down on his knees? Is that- is that Joe trying to fellate OHMYGOD!!!!!

8:10 Couldn't update for a bit. Had to rinse my eyes out with a bottle of Wollersheim Winery's Prairie Fume. Also gargled a bit. gad.

8:11 What the f***?

8:13 No, he did not have the balls to say that!

8:15 Holy crap is he deluded!!!!

8:17 In your dreams Chimpy McBingbang!

8:20 Did Darth Cheney just pick his nose? Yes. Oh yes he did! His sneer is so high and mighty now that he can actually flick boogers with his upper lip! Man, I'm going to miss that guy. No I'm not, it just cracks me up to make a joke that involves him back at his secret lair. Mhua ha ha.

8:25 No, door knob that's not how we feel and it's not the democrats fault, so just back off that crap okay? You've got no one to blame but yourself and your hideous alcoholic mother who is pro-choice cuz she knows the pain of bringing YOU into this world!!!

8:30 Going well? If your definition of going well is that when the bus that has been staying the course crashes into the ravine and explodes in a hideous conflagration still results in some recognizable corpses, then yes. It's going well.

8:31 Have I mentioned that I hate you and the sight of you makes my skin crawl?

8:32 It occurs to me that the best thing about the State of the Union is that no matter how inane you sound at least you don't do that weaselly giggle. I'm thankful for that.

8:35 Don't invoke God. He doesn't exist and if he did, he'd have forsaken you a long, long time ago.

8:40 Are you still babbling? Crap. The only way you could use up this much time is if you'd tell the truth and list all your fuck ups.

8:41 Sommelier, more wine, please. No, I can drink three bottles in a sitting. I'm still typing aren


Mauigirl said...

Brilliant! Thanks for posting this, it confirmed that I was right to NOT watch it because I would've reacted exactly the same way!

FranIAm said...

See! I did not have to watch it!!

I just drank and came here hungover today.

Brilliant, I tell you!

Thanks for your great public service here.

Randal Graves said...

I would second everyone else, but the fact that you chose to watch scares me. You're either certifiably insane, or have such an iron constitution that a mere thought could destroy humanity. I'm going to go drink some more.

dguzman said...

What Fran said *hic!*