Happy Birthday, Earth. From your knuckle-dragging mouth breathing kids

Lookie! all your planetary peers have shown up for your birthday. We weren't real sure what day was your birthday, but thankfully, some guy way back when counted the begats and the whatnots in the holy bible determining that God created you 6003 years ago. Today. At 9 am. Way to go, God.

Earth, no offense, but for such a young planet you're not looking so good. Maybe you are at the age where you should be taking better care of yourself?

I must say that I think you are actually much, much older. You wouldn't be the first to lie about your age, you know. And if I was God, I think I'd be a little pissed off about the rejuvenary revisionism that is going on. Like if I spent three weeks getting Thanksgiving dinner ready, only to have the relatives show up 15 minutes late with the assumption that I just picked the meal deal up from Whole Foods half an hour ago, tossing the take out containers under the sink. Billions and billions of years of work and the little ingrates think it all just appeared, abra cadabra.

As a mom, I know how that feels.

And to you fundie crack-pots: enjoy your own "bEarthday" celebrations. Too bad you can't drink champagne, since there's the "no drinking" clause in your contract with the creator. Try the Kool-Aid. Oh, you've been drinking it right along? Thought so.