Friday, December 14, 2007

A Patch of Black Ice

Black ice is the kind that you cannot see when you approach it. It's dangerous and can send your car spinning out of control with no warning. It is a menace here in Wisconsin and it usually forms when the weather has been fairly mild with a sudden drop in temps.

I've hit a patch.

Yesterday I took my daughter to preschool, the first day back after a snow day. Due to the snow day she didn't get the reminder sticker sent home to remind me she was "snack girl". Having forgotten her snack, I wound up crying uncontrollably in the director's office. I only cried a little standing in front of the yogurt section at the grocery store.

Yesterday I went to the OB/Gyn to have my IUD removed. Then I went shopping at the mall across the street. The IUD removal ruptured a blood vessel and I ended up bleeding uncontrollably and crying uncontrollably in the JCPenney's. I went back to the doctor who sent me home and told me to stay off my feet for the rest of the day. At Christmas time.

I have a tenant who is a very sweet young man. His girlfriend left him. He has stopped paying his rent. He won't answer his phone. This doesn't make me cry, but starting eviction at Christmas time makes me not sleep.

Two weeks ago our sweet cousin died in an accident. He was thirty. I sneak little cries in the car. During his eulogy of a handful of stories, two of them recounted were stories about me and him. One involved him throwing up all over me in a bar once and one involved an incident with a Jamaican lady of questionable repute when he came to my 40th birthday bash in Negril. We were going to Arizona next week to see him for Christmas. Instead we saw him last week in his casket. We will still go out there for Christmas but there will be a space at our table that will not be filled. Not ever again.

Then there's all the busyness and stress that a regular Christmas entails. Then there's the very short days that bring on the blues. And the cold that brings on cabin fever. Then there's - then there's-.

The most comforting thing I have read lately is mattyboy's post dissing Nietzsche's 'that which does not kill us' trope. I am not killed. I am not defeated. But I am diminished.

I hope the spinning stops soon and that this car wreck lands softly in a snowbank.


Splotchy said...

I'm sending all the positive vibes I can muster your way, for what good they can do.

pygalgia said...

Wow, that is a bad string of events, small and large. I hope that your visit to the Grand Canyon (or as us locals call it "the Big Ditch") will help recharge your spirit. All my best wishes to you and yours.

Randal Graves said...

I second all of the above. Mere words from a stranger, but nothing but the best to you now.

joshhill1021 said...

I also echo what has been said above. I am sorry to hear of all of this and the metaphor of black ice seems to be perfect. I hope you start to get things turned around soon.

Jess Wundrun said...

splotchy thanks for the vibes. No doubt you'll be earning good ones in N'orlins this week. While I'm jealous that I can't go, I sure am glad I'm not!

py Aren't we supposed to go to Sedona and lick some toads or wear some crystals for our recharging? Just wondering. Thanks for your thoughts.

Randal you might be an imaginary blog friend but you are no stranger. Thanks, dear.

boxer The current problem is that things are turning around a bit too much. But I do hope we start moving in a better direction. Singular. One direction.

You guys are all too kind. Thankyou.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry, Jess. I know that's not much.

I've tried to write something comforting three times now, and there is nothing I can say. I wish sometimes that words were not such a limited medium, lacking color and sound.

Take care,


Distributorcap said...


all my good thoughts are with you and your family, my friend. i hope it lands softly for you

i dont have the words to describe how much i wish for peace and serenity at this time for you

be well...


Dr. Zaius said...

My condolences for your loss, my sympathy for your present situation. I have little to offer as a remedy or comfort, but I was struck by this:

"Yesterday I took my daughter to preschool, the first day back after a snow day. Due to the snow day she didn't get the reminder sticker sent home to remind me she was 'snack girl'."

In light of all of the other issues that you are faced with, I completely uderstand how this might set you off. Now your daughter will be remembered by her peers (or it will at least be her perception that they remember) as the girl that didn't bring snacks, so she will be miserable. She will silently resent you for putting her in that position.

By failing in your snack providing duties, you will lose face with your daughter as she has lost face with her peers. I had to think about it for minute. That is very sad.

To a child, things like that are very important. In a relationship with a child, little things like this are huge. Luckily, children are also resiliant, so don't fret over it.

I hope that things get better for you soon.

Synthaetica said...

Jess: i drove into the ditch the other day for you. you don't have to do that!

sending as many good thoughts, positive vibes, and hopes for your general (and specific) well-being as i possibly can. so is the Other family.

you are not diminished, Jess. your light still shines bright and strong, eclipsed only temporarily by other things, most of which shine not even half as brightly as you.

be well.

Ed said...

I'm so sorry. Suzy and I are holding you in the light.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Holy crap! I hope things get better for you soon! I'm so sorry for your losses and your pain.

Matthew Hubbard said...

Sorry to hear about all the bad news, Jess. I'm glad I could offer some secular spiritual support, even if it wasn't completely intentional.

I've gone through some shit storms myself, but I wouldn't dare compare them to what you are going through. Know that you have folks who care for you in your life, and you even have silly bloggers who've never met you sending our best wishes.

dguzman said...

Oh Jess, I'm so sorry for your loss, and I hope things get better for you soon. Take care of yourself.

The Cunning Runt said...

What sadness this must bring you, and how unjust and untimely it must feel.

It seems there are a lot of us in this ditch right now; perhaps by our mass we'll provide cushioning and support for each other.

Be patient with and kind to yourself. Your strength and compass will return, as have those of lesses lasses.

Peace, TCR

Anonymous said...

I'm days late with this, but I hope you're okay.

I hate to hear of your loss and your losing it. I hope things get better soon.

Fran said...

Oh my dear Jess! I am just back to the blogs and to see this... my heart hurts for you.

And I have thought of you so much (as I would do anyway) when I was traveling and reading (finally) Eat, Pray, Love - which you recommended (wisely so) to me a month or two back.

Please know I send you so many thoughts of healing, consolation and of peace.

What a rough run. It is so hard. Please wrap yourself in love; what else can one do at a time like this?