Thursday, July 31, 2008

Jerry Lewis Busted For Carrying a Concealed Weapon

Jerry Lewis was nabbed by security agents at the Las Vegas airport for carrying a concealed handgun in his luggage. His publicist claims that the gun was a hollowed out non-functioning weapon that Lewis uses in his act.

I was stunned. Mostly because I was completely unaware that Lewis had an act.

boom bapa chee!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Dear Lord, Thank You for Placing In My Inbox Shit That Writes Itself. Amen.

click to embiggen

Because the Lord God sayeth that you can't pray for China unless you are wearing a cheap plastic bracelet produced by slave labor in China. Buy more-they'll be forced to work harder!!!!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

If You Live in South Carolina, I Urge You to Buy the New "I Believe" License Plates

Florida couldn't do it, but by God and praise Jesus, South Carolina's legislature approved the controversial "I believe" license plates. Asked if he thought the plates were a violation of the separation of Church and State, South Carolina legislator and bill sponsor Lawrence K. Grooms said "I didn't see a constitutional problem with it". Deep reasoning indeed.

It seems that proceeds from the plates will not benefit any particular group, so I give the Wundrun seal of approval to these plates. Particularly if you would go out and buy customized license plate frames and decals to go with them. Here are some suggestions:

The original plateOptional Frames with illustrative decals:

As an aside: If you follow the link above to the story in the Christian Post, you'll find some hilarious christian comments.

Right off the bat Loretta49 gives my favorite
"This is beautiful and wholesome idea that gives you and everyone around peace and spirituality and anyone who doesn't like it, is a freak with a psychologycal problem and needs to go a psychologist and do not bother people who enjoy their religion and the peace and happiness it brings."

Monday, July 28, 2008

Man Upset About Loss of Food Stamps Hates on Libruls

Most of the places I've seen this on the interwebs has noted that a man shot up a Unitarian Universalist church because of his hatred for their liberal stance. Gays and liberals seem to be taking all the good jobs. (Insert hairdresser/ decorator/ congressman joke here). Yet the other straw cracking this camel's back is that his allotment of food stamps was cut back. Because conservatives would've given him more? Whack.

NASHVILLE, Tennessee (Reuters) - A man who opened fire inside a church, killing two people with a shotgun hidden in a guitar case, was frustrated at being unable to find a job and blamed liberals and gays, police said on Monday.

"It appears that what brought him to this horrible event was his lack of being able to obtain a job, his frustration over that, and his stated hatred of the liberal movement," Knoxville Police Chief Sterling Owen told reporters of Sunday's incident at Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church.

Suspect Jim Adkisson, 58, who was being held on $1 million bond, had previously worked as a mechanical engineer in several states. He described his violent plans in a four-page letter found at his home, which also explained that his age and "liberals and gays" taking jobs had worked against him.

Another recent setback was that Adkisson's allotment of government-issued food stamps had been reduced, Owen said.

Good News

Read "The Myth of a Toss-Up Election". It's good news. However, I'd like to cynically piss in your cheerios by adding that I think the reason we need to believe the race is close is so that the GOP can pull a steal aka 2000. I'm guessing General Electric and Rupert Murdoch agree.

Then again, Gallup has Obama at 9 points ahead of McCain following his European tour.

Better Diplomacy, (brought to you by grown-ups)

Friday, July 25, 2008

Obama Goes to Germany; McCain Eats a Brat*

Barack Obama:
"People of Berlin, people of the world, this is our moment, this is our time," the democratic hopeful told an enthusiastic crowd which local authorities estimated at more than 200,000.

John McCain:McCain had his own German experience Thursday -- at a restaurant in Ohio. "I'd love to give a speech in Germany. But I'd much prefer to do it as president of the United States rather than as a candidate for president,"McCain told reporters after a meal of bratwurst with local business leaders at Schmidt's Sausage Haus und Restaurant in Columbus' German Village neighborhood.

Then he yelled at some kids to get off his lawn.

*That's pronounced [brot] just so you don't assume that McCain ate a small spoiled child. (One of his own? Would that he...)

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Tomorrow is the Day

This summer has been chock full o' drama. The drama of the ba da da dum WATERSLIDE!!!!

Ima, the 5 yo, has been contemplating the slide all summer long. She has been in swim lessons for six weeks and every other Friday is fun day. The kids can take a ride down the slide if they want to. Lotta, the 7 yo, has fearlessly gone down the slide since she was three. Not Ima.

The slide is about the height of a three story building. She'll go up to the top of the slide, change her mind and have to do the walk of shame down the stairs. Some moms were trying to think of good bribes to get Ima to go down. I'm happy to report that we really couldn't come up with a good bribe for her. I'd like to think this is because she's not very material. I'd have to confess it's probably because she's reached toy saturation.

The bribe I came up with was a trophy. That is something she really wants. I have a feeling that I'll be staying up late tonight taping toilet paper tubes together to imitate the water slide to attach on an old trophy.

The pool director is in on the drama. Every day she asks Ima if this is the day. Finally, the pool director said that on Ima's last day of lessons she can go down the slide with her teacher. A huge bend of the rules, which Ima is getting because the director thinks she is so stinkin' cute. (Her words).

Just so you don't think Ima's a big wuss, you should know that she goes off the diving board in the 12' deep pool for hours on end. Not scared a bit.

I'll let you know how it goes.

UPDATE: Ima was grabbed by her teacher the minute she hit the pool. "We're going down the slide right now," said Esther W., her teacher.

Ima and Esther went down the slide together twice. Then Ima tackled it all on her own. Over and over. And over. She got caught running toward the stairs she was in such a hurry. We went back on Saturday so that she could spend another two hours doing nothing but going down the slide.

"How many times did you go down the slide?" I asked.

"'bout a dozen," Ima said. She hasn't got a clue how many a dozen is, but it sounds right to her.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Kick Ass Mi Amigos!

Just a subtle reminder that back in 2004 John Kerry was our nominee and John Edwards had already been picked as his running mate.

I was already canvassing. I'm not doing that yet this year. Look, if you are reading this and you are a democrat you need to ask yourself where you can work to promote the most good this year and then do it.

PS> If your blog gets less than 200 hits a day then it's time for you to go out and physically work to get out the vote!!!!

Friday, July 18, 2008

Tight Pussy Loose Shoes and a Warm Place to Shit

A Made in America Update.


Yes, we are still working on the made in America challenge. We've done pretty well, although we have purposely failed at times and accidentally failed at others. Nonetheless, I'd say 98.5% of the discretionary dollars our family has spent since the beginning of the year has been from domestic products.

After the year is over I swear I won't go back to shopping at regular clothing stores again. Part of our deal was that we could buy any clothes made anywhere as long as we bought them at second-hand stores. Within walking distance from my house is a children's clothing store that is a dream. And I discovered Savers which is set up like a big store but it's like a resale store for Easter Seals. If you spend a little time looking, many things in the store are like new.

Having said that, shoes are a major problem. Children shouldn't wear second hand shoes because their feet are still developing and I shouldn't wear second hand shoes because eww gross.

Last weekend I was at a party and was explaining this whole thing to my cousin. I said "please note that's why everyone in my family has on shabby looking shoes".

"Why's that?" she asked, and I said that almost all shoes are now made in China. She took her sandal off to check the label. "Not this one" she said. "It says 'Made in USA'".

After I stopped crying, she told me she bought her sandals at REI so that's where I went this week to buy my first new pair of shoes since January. Some of you may say 'big deal'. Some of you may wonder how I've survived this long.

Not only did the $95 price tag not deter me, neither did the post-graduate degree required to put on the damn shoes. (Yeah, Ben. That's what I spent. See me for excuses justifications. The shoes are called Chacos. They come with a diagram, just in case you miss the six times the patient salesman tries to show you. If that doesn't work there's a video on their website.

I thought I had my shoes properly adjusted at the store. Then I left and ran some other errands. The toe started to feel really tight - humidity was making my feet swell- and without instructions I desperately tried to adjust my shoes in the grocery store. You know those carnival prizes called 'Chinese handcuffs' where the more you try to pull out of them the tighter they become? That was my toe in these shoes.

I spent an hour or two this morning, and now I think I'm pretty well set.

Oh, and my label says "Assembled With Pride in Colorado USA". How cool is that? (Beware that some of their products are made in China if you're thinking about buying some).

BTW in case you were wondering, the title of this post came from a racist remark made by Earl Butz, Nixon and Ford's Secretary of Agriculture. It also influence my cuss-o-meter nicely. However, I learned the saying from a movie I saw when I was 11 or 12. The whole movie was made up of fake movie trailers, and this song was from a trailer for the fake movie "Darktown after Dark". I had no idea what a 'tight pussy' was, but I used to go around singing the song. It's catchy. Thanks to YouTube I can link to it here. (I had to take the actual video off my page because something was causing my whole layout to shift. Whack.)

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Who Is Today's Saint?*

Today's saint is Saint Bonaventure. The best named of all the saints, imho. Unless, of course, there were a Saint Imho. Which I would doubt because "humble" "opinion" and "catholic church" don't seem to be found together much these days. (Humble, opinion and catholic would be my friend Fran).

Here's the deal (according to my Saint-A-Day Guide):
When he was a sickly child Saint Francis of Assissi cured him. When as a young man, he joined the order, Francis cried out "O bona ventura"--What good luck!--and the name stuck. Bonaventure eventually became minister general of the Franciscans and wrote books of mystical, Neoplatonic theology (as opposed to the neo-Aristotelian theology of Saint Thomas Aquinas). When a solemn papal delegations showed up to announce his elevation to cardinal, Bonaventure was washing dishes in the kitchen of the friary. He asked the delegates if they'd mind hanging the cardinal's hat on a tree until he finished doing the dishes.
If Saint Bonaventure were alive today he wouldn't be a saint, he'd be Jimmy Carter, or Alice from the Brady Bunch.

Good luck!

*Can anyone explain why the Hamburglar is depicted in this photo as bringing Bonaventure his hat?

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Fancy New Urinals

Just in time for the Republican Convention: Customized outdoor urinals. Indoor bathrooms have been deemed too risky for use by younger GOP'ers.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Jonah Goldberg is a big fat moron

But you knew that.

I will never cease to be amazed that some of these right wing nutjob pundits get to keep their jobs. Wait, did I say some? In yesterday's column Goldberg says that he is shocked that Obama would tie federal college grants to some form of compulsory community service. This, Goldberg claims, is exactly like slavery, something a black man, and our constitution, should be against.

Well, I guess even white overstuffed idiots who write books in which they don't even understand their own premise (Nazis were liberals because they had "socialist" in their title) should be against slavery.

But it seems to me that when a democrat makes a proposal that a Republican ought to love - spending government money with an expectation of a return on that investment - the Republican talking point machine has to melt down and what it spits out need not make any sense whatsoever. It should invoke racial tensions, a fabricated air of fiscal intelligence where none actually exists and use all the hotpoint words.

Jonah Goldberg could easily be replaced by a machine. Or, more cheaply, his job could be off-shored to a ten year old Indian girl with a list of handy phrases next to her computer.

Perhaps that has already happened.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Sweet Pea

My favorite pick your own produce farm opens tomorrow! Yay! A few years ago I joined a CSA and got a big box of veggies every week. Unfortunately, we couldn't eat most of it and that's when we started our compost pile. I did learn to love kohlrabi, though. I can't grow a decent vegetable to save my life and don't really have the yard for it anyway, the sad little row of beans I planted by the fence will attest to this. The pick your own place is my dream come true.

So it is pea season. Every year it sneaks up on me just as we get ready to head nort' for the 4th of July weekend. Nothing is better in the middle of winter than fresh frozen peas, and I've sworn this year I'm really going to stock up. I even have a little pea-sheller that is supposed to make the job easier. As long as the pea pods aren't too thick and tough that is. But I haven't got a clue when I'm going to fit pea picking into my schedule. I've already missed the strawberries that I swore I'd make into jars and jars and jars of jam. At least there are later season berries to make up for the strawberries.

Man, I'd be the world's shittiest farmer if I had to do it for a living.