Who Is Today's Saint?*

Today's saint is Saint Bonaventure. The best named of all the saints, imho. Unless, of course, there were a Saint Imho. Which I would doubt because "humble" "opinion" and "catholic church" don't seem to be found together much these days. (Humble, opinion and catholic would be my friend Fran).

Here's the deal (according to my Saint-A-Day Guide):

When he was a sickly child Saint Francis of Assissi cured him. When as a young man, he joined the order, Francis cried out "O bona ventura"--What good luck!--and the name stuck. Bonaventure eventually became minister general of the Franciscans and wrote books of mystical, Neoplatonic theology (as opposed to the neo-Aristotelian theology of Saint Thomas Aquinas). When a solemn papal delegations showed up to announce his elevation to cardinal, Bonaventure was washing dishes in the kitchen of the friary. He asked the delegates if they'd mind hanging the cardinal's hat on a tree until he finished doing the dishes.

If Saint Bonaventure were alive today he wouldn't be a saint, he'd be Jimmy Carter, or Alice from the Brady Bunch.

Good luck!

*Can anyone explain why the Hamburglar is depicted in this photo as bringing Bonaventure his hat?

Who Is Today's Saint?

Did anyone ever see the Sting movie "Brimstone and Treacle"? One of the characters in the movie is an atheist who writes church hymns. (He also enjoys 'communion' with his secretary, if you know what I mean. wink. wink.)

At the risk of being that guy (sans secretary) today I post a WITS post right after a crazy catholic stuff post because today's saint is a famous one.

Cue sweeping music:

Today's saint is St. George, the dragon guy!

According to my Saint-A-Day Guide, George lived in the late third century. he is the Patron of Boy Scouts, cavalry, England, equestrians, farmers, horses, Portugal; he is invoked against herpes*, leprosy and syphilis*.

Saint-A-Day says:

George was a Palestinian soldier who suffered martyrdom in the persecutions of Diocletian. His cult flourished in England during the crusades-perhaps the Crusaders imported it from the Middle East. King Edward III declared George England's Patron, and Henry V invoked his aid before the Battle of Agincourt. The story of George and the dragon-a parable of Good versus Evil--has several variations. In the classic version he is a young knight who rescues a maiden princess from a flying reptile with bad breath. he pierces the creature with his lance, leads it through town using the princess's garter as a leash, and thereby converts thousands of pagans to Christianity. In the East, George is a demigod who endures a series of tortures, such as running in red-hot iron shoes. In the Wests he is a Cappadocian prince whose bravery wins even the Empress Alexandra to the Faith. There is even an ignoble George. In his "Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire" Gibbon depicts George as a black marketeer dealing in bacon. "Riding Saint George"--that is sexual intercourse with the woman on top--was long considered a certain way of begetting a bishop.

If St. George were alive today he wouldn't be a saint, he'd be Justice from American Gladiator.

*I would love to know how that invocation works. I think maybe a condom would be a little safer choice.

Found Him

SAO PAULO, Brazil - A Roman Catholic priest who floated off under hundreds of helium party balloons was missing Monday off the southern coast of Brazil.

Fer Chrissake's I Hope He Doesn't Call Us "Bitter"

This sounds vaguely like something I heard last Friday:

During his visit to the United Nations a few days later, the Pope will address "the false notion that might makes right," according to a Vatican representative.

Some experts also predict the Pope would criticize the "culture of fear" in the United States. The Rev. David Hollenbach, director of Boston College's Center for Human Rights, said recently that this culture is seen as integral to the US involvement in Iraq.

"Fear can lead to angry responses," Hollenbach said, according to the Connecticut Post. "I think the pope's message is going to be 'Don't be afraid.' I think the overcoming of fear can take away the impulse for war."

This came from an article at Raw Story about how the Pope will be skipping dinner with the Bushes. One might begin to wonder if the new "in" trend in dining is to be able to say you turned down an invitation to the White House. Because the Pope's not the first: Last April the King of Saudi Arabia said no thanks.

Who is Today's Saint?

Today is the feast day of Saint Agnes.

According to my Saint-A-Day book, Agnes was a "famously pulchritudinous virgin martyr". Did you know that pulchitrudinous means exhibiting great physical beauty? What an ugly word. Kind of like it ought to mean the opposite. I feel the same way about the word 'copious'. For some reason, copious seems like a word better suited to describe something stashed away, or doled out miserly. Not a word that means bountiful. Well, when I'm in charge I'll make some of these important changes. But for now, lets talk saints, shall we?

Agnes is the patron saint of girl scouts and virgins. Redundant? These days, who knows.

Take it away, Saint-A-Day:

In 304, when she was thirteen years old, this beautiful, blue-eyed, blonde Roman maiden rejected all her ardent suitors, among them Eutropis, the governor's son. Spurning his costly love gifts, she declared, "I have chosen a spouse who cannot be seen with mortal eyes, whose mouth drips with milk and honey." (All dialogue according to one official biographer, Saint Augustine, who wasn't there.) Understandably jealous her pagan swain waxed ill for love, and his father summoned the maiden, offering honors and estates if she would marry his son--and threatening her if she did not. Agnes was unmoved when exposed to the cruel instruments of torture. "You will learn that my God is a God of purity. He will bring your wicked purpose to naught," said she. The governor ordered that she be stripped naked and paraded through the streets to a den of iniquity. Miraculously, her golden hair suddenly grew in great profusion and entirely concealed her shame. At the brothel the only customer bold enough to approach her lewdly was Eutropis himself--whereupon he was immediately struck blind or dead (accounts differ). Agnes out of kindness, cured (or resurrected) him, whereupon she was charged with witchcraft and sentenced to the stake. Saint Ambrose (who wasn't there either) assures us that Agnes "went to the place of execution more cheerfully than others go to their weddings." Legend has it that unmarried girls dream of their future husbands on the eve of her Feast Day, but only if they have fasted for twenty-four hours and eaten an egg with salt just before bedtime. Because the name Agnes sounds like agnus--which is Latin for lamb--on her Feast Day the Pope with great ceremony used to bless a pair of sheep and send their wool to his archbishops.

If Agnes were alive today she would not be a saint, she would be the spokesmodel for Bluefly.com

What do you get when you cross mattyboy and Franiam?

Lolzchristians, that's what!





Also, while I am making fun o' the fundies (you're not a fundie, Franiam I did not mean to imply...), I thought I might pass along my score on the "How Good of a Christian Are You", written by someone who writes like a LOLZ christian:

Who is today's saint?

Not saint but saints- today we get a twofer of saints for the Feast Day of Saints Abdon and Sennen.

Abdon and Sennon were from Persia. Since Abdon was a cooper and Sennen was his buddy, they became the patron saints of barrel makers. My dad's great-grandpa was a cooper who repaired whiskey barrels. He died of cirrhosis of the liver because he liked to drink up the liquid left in the bottom of the barrels.

And you thought I wasn't well-bred. I digress.

Saints Abdon and Sennen liked to show their faith in Christ by spitting publicly on pagan idols. This got them thrown to the lions. The lions weren't interested. So they got to meet the gladiators who hacked them to pieces. According to my Saint-A-Day guide "'the more their bodies were mangled with wounds, the more were their souls made beautiful by Divine grace'. As if to confirm their traditional patronage, these Saint's holy relics were eventually smuggled to France, concealed in wine barrels."

If Abdon and Sennen were our contemporaries they would not be saints, they'd be Mel Gibson and Russell Crowe.

Whose feast day do we celebrate today?

Today we have an All-Star in our Saint-A-Day line up. Representin' July 25th is Saint Christopher!! (A chorus of Yays please!) Many have seen the ubiquitous St. Christopher medal, particularly among travelers. This is because in the third century Christopher was said to have ferried the infant Jesus across a river.

Christopher is the patron saint of bachelors, bus drivers, ferryboat men, fruit dealers, police officers, skiers, soldiers, travelers, and truck drivers. Saint Christopher is invoked against nightmares, sudden death ('pray for me Saint Chri-ackkkkk!?), peril from water, peril from storms.

Here for your consideration is the story of Saint Christopher from my Saint-A-Day guide:

Christopher was a twenty-four foot tall giant from Palestine, a blacksmith's son obsessed with the desire to serve the most powerful king in the world. He joined the mercenary army of a tribal chieftain, but after he witnessed his master tremble before a wicked necromancer, Christopher resolved to follow the mighty Satan. Then the Devil cowered and fled from the crucifix worn by an ancient hermit, so Christopher bound himself in service to that holy old man, whose task it was to ferry travelers across a river. One stormy night a child (usually pictured as a baby) appeared and asked Christopher to carry him on his shoulders across the raging flood. During the crossing the child grew increasingly heavy, so that the giant barely reached the far shore. The "child" then revealed Himself as Christ and told Christopher (Greek for "Christ-bearer") that he had just borne the weight of the world on his shoulders. Christopher planted his staff by the side of the river, where it instantly became a palm tree, and set out on a career of preaching and brothel closing. Christopher's cult was strong throughout the Middle Ages, for it was believed that anyone who looked upon his image before noon would not die that day. His popularity declined the the so-called Enlightenment but has flourished in our own age of dangerous road and air travel; a Saint Christopher medal dangles from the rearview mirror of many an agnostic's automobile. In 1969 the doubtless mythical Christopher's Feast was expunged from the official Roman Catholic liturgical calendar, but Christopher remains the best known and probably most loved of all the Patron Saints.

If Christopher were alive today he would not be a saint, he would be a hero from the Ninth Ward.

Who is Friday's Saint?

Today we celebrate the Feast of Saint Uncumber. Uncumber was the original bearded lady, or the first religious woman to wear facial hair. This became quite prominent among 20th century nuns, so that nowadays bearded sisters are really nothing to get beatified about.

Uncumber is the patron saint of unhappy wives; she is invoked against men's lust.

From my Saint-A-Day Guide:

One of an all-girl set of septuplets, Uncumber was originally named Wilgefortis, "strong virgin", in which state she fervently wished to remain. Her father, the pagan king of Portugal, had other ideas, insisting she marry his ally, the king of Sicily. Desperately, she prayed to become ugly, a wish that was miraculously granted when she sprouted,overnight, a formidable beard and mustache. Incensed, her father had her crucified, and from the cross she promised to all who invoked her aid that she would free them from male encumbrances-hence her name in English,Uncumber.

If Uncumber were our contemporary, she would not be a saint, she would be Rosie O'Donnell.

Who was Saint Clelia Barbieri?

Today we celebrate the Feast Day of Saint Clelia Barbieri.

She is the patron saint of those ridiculed for their piety. She could come in handy right now, eh, Senator Vitter and Representative Allen? What's that Clelia? True piety you say? Right. Wonder who the patron saint of hypocrisy is? I digress.

Saint Clelia died in 1870. She haunts her convent still.

Here is what my Saint A Day guide says:

Although her parents were simple hemp workers (blogger's note-whaaa hmmm?) they sensed that Clelia was special after seeing her conversing with invisible friends and levitating. Even as a small child, she expressed her wish to "leave the world" and was interested in the Saint-making process. Clelia became the youngest founder of a religious order (Minims of Our Lady of Sorrows) and died at the tender age of twenty-three, promising her sisters that she would always be with them. Not long afterward her voice was heard accompanying the nuns in prayer and hymns. Soon nuns in other convents also began to hear her high-pitched voice, singing, praying, and speaking the local dialect, sometimes preceded by a series of knocks.

Two things: 1) I have no idea what a Minim is. And 2) If Clelia were our contemporary, she would not be a saint, she would be Mackenzie Phillips.