Write Up the Goddamned Nominating Papers.

I want that fucking mother of the year trophy, bitches. I just sat through High School Musical. Spoiler Alert: Troy never does get laid.

A Fabulous Time Was Had by All

I am a wonder of science. My bout with pinkeye lasted from approx. 3 am Friday morning to 9 pm Friday night, which was just enough time for me to have to go to the doctor (hatehatehateyhate) but not enough time to even get my prescription filled.

Ima and Lotta went with their grandparents Friday after school so I was all alone until Sunday at 1:30.

This is what I did:

Friday - Went to see doctor at 4 pm. Went to Walgreens, but prescription wasn't ready. Left with Vanity Fair, Rolling Stone, a can of cream of mushroom soup and minute rice plus two moonpies. (This is the crappy way I ate in college. Ah, memories). Fell asleep on the couch at 8:30. Woke up at 9:30 with miraculously cured eyeball. Trust me, Lourdes has nothing on my couch. Only tell this to pilgrims who will shell out $100 dollars for the privilege of falling asleep on my couch to obtain curative miracle. Curative miracles guaranteed only to those whose faith is beyond reproach.

Saturday - Built a fire in the fireplace and read magazines all morning. People seem to really like this Obama guy. They do not seem to care for that McCain fellow. At least in the magazines I read this weekend. National Geographic is still in its wrapper, but I'm guessing not so much on McCain for them either. 1 pm filled prescription that I don't really need. Went shopping for Halloween costume odds and ends at JoAnn Fabrics. Went to Savers and got a suede winter coat for 40 bucks. Eat it, retail!!! Ate lunch at old people's dinner time (4:30) at the Hubbard Avenue Diner. Always think I should buy Mattyboy a t-shirt from there. Will do that after I get the local "Missouri Tavern" t-shirt for Dr. Zaius. Worked on Halloween costumes. Wondered if 'Supermom Sarah Palin' ever made a Halloween costume for Pogo or Sapling or Fig. Drank wine. Finished a stars and stripes themed sock for my mother. She has patriotic feet.

Sunday morning - took dogs for a walk while wearing my cool suede winter coat from Savers because it was cold as a witch's what-y-hoo. Dogs seemed to appreciate my new sense of style. Probably I'll find out that I'm way out of style. Dogs still won't care as long as I bag their doo for them. Cleaned house with amazing speed. Wished I had bought more Moonpies. (Moonpies are very very new to our local Walgreens. We're pretty far north for the usual moonpie territory). Everyone got home at about 1:30. At 2pm I secretly longed for a little more alone time.

A Great Weekend

This weekend is the Food and Wine show in Kohler, Wisconsin. Ben and I have plans to attend. In addition to all kinds of food and wine tastings, educational seminars, good eats, there are shows too. Ilan and Hung, winners from Top Chef seasons two and three will be having a cook-off. I met a woman who attended last year who said her only complaint was that the tequila tastings were at ten in the morning. Whoo-hoo. The in-laws are on their way to pick up Lotta and Ima. They are going back to Grandma and Grand-dads for a Halloween party and weekend o' fun. Up whose alley does this whole thing run? Mine, dammit.

Until I woke up this morning with pinkeye.

Crap.

(On the bright side **not too bright, the lights hurt** I will have the house to myself for the whooooooole weekend).

Presented Without Comment

But I'd love to see yours.

(Just don't pick on the lady's woman's weight, kay? There's enough material there without going down that drive-thru.)

The Palin Wardrobe

Okay, it's been discussed to death. But have you considered that $150,000 worth of clothes is $2000 every day for the two months that Governor Palin will have been on the campaign trail?

And they are going to solve our fiscal problems? Lady, here's a suggestion: Wear something twice.

Lotta Wundrun; Conversations with the 7 yo

Lotta: Momma, if you could go back in time and change anything what would it be?

Me: How far back can I go?

Lotta: 7 years. [ed. note- 7 years = 1 lifetime to a 7 yo]

Me: Could I cheat and go back 8 years?

Lotta: Sure.

Me: I'd go to Florida and work my butt off to make sure they changed those butterfly ballots that gave the Jewish vote to anti-Semite Pat Buchanan and 500 too many votes to George W. Bush.

Lotta: If I could go back in time I'd go back 2000 years and stop the first war.

Me: Oh, sweetie, the first war was probably 200,000 years ago when more than 10 cavemen decided they all wanted a bigger piece of the mastodon.

Lotta: (60 Minutes piece on the War in Afghanistan is on TV) Well, I'd like to go back and stop this war.

Me: If Al Gore had won we wouldn't have had these wars. So my trip to Florida would save you your trip.

Joe the Plumber is full of shit.

Apparently Joe the Plumber doesn't have a plumbing license. Guess what? It is illegal in Ohio Toledo to perform plumbing work without a license. Given Joe's age (mid 30's) he could have registered to become an apprentice, but one can only be an apprentice for five years. Joe says he's been plumbing illegally for 6 years. If Joe really wants to buy that business, he'll need a Masters Plumbing License, unless he wants to keep his boss on as his employee. Every plumbing shop needs a licensed master plumber on board.

If he starts now it will take at least seven years of schooling, testing and professional experience for Joe to obtain his Masters license, so his concern about Obama's tax plan seems to be the least of his worries in his dream to make $250,000/yr.

Most plumbers today are scrambling for work. With housing starts down, many plumbers are laid off or are cooling their heels on the union 'bench'. Even remodeling which usually picks up when housing starts fall is down because of the credit crisis.

Joe says he works in a two man shop. It is not legal for Joe to work unless he is directly and constantly supervised by his boss. If they charge $100 an hour for their labor the most money they could gross would be $208,000 a year. If they charge $100 an hour for both plumbers they need to be turned in to the Better Business Bureau, because, again, Joe is qualified to do nothing more than manual labor. That $208,000 is their max gross profit working 52 weeks a year/40 hours a week. From that, they need to pay for their plumbing van, their tools, their gas (the price of which more than doubled in the last eight years, Joe. Real plumbing companies are more concerned about that), their healthcare and so on.

If Joe's boss is talking about selling the business for $250,000 trust me it will be a looooong time before they net that profit in a year.

If McCain is going to send shills around to Obama's appearances, he should at least send genuine Americans who have genuine concerns. McCain's problem is that he has never met a genuine American.

P.S. If McCain sold Cindy's $300,000 convention night get up he could buy Joe's business for him. If Ohio officials look into Joe's illegal plumbing activities and shut him down it is the least Daddy Beerbucks could do for his "old buddy Joe".

Separated at Birth?

That spittle sucking noise he kept making at last night's debate reminded me of someone....

Finally Something Broke Our Way

If you believe the thesis of the wildly popular book 'Blink' most people make up their minds in an instant. Really, we don't have undecided voters we have people who need to be assured that their first instinct is okay. If you think of Obama and McCain as brands it is obvious why Obama is ahead in the polls.

No one wants to be associated with the people who are currently buying the McCain dish soap. All weekend long the news showed that clip of the freaky lady from Minnesota who called Obama an Arab. They showed it as proof that McCain hadn't slipped over the edge into racist creepy bashing because he tells that lady 'no, no my opponent is a family man'.

The problem is that the world saw BATSHITCRAZY40CATSINTHEHOUSE lady and said 'whoa wait a minute-I'm not buying the same crap that lady buys'.

Not even Joe Sixpack wants to be associated with that crap.

How do I know? I asked.

Jess: Hi Joe. Say, did you see that all the guys in wife beaters are out for McCain?

Joe: Yeah, I did. But so's that crazy freaked hair lady. Fuck. I'm not on her stinky ass side.

Jess: Really? Why?

Joe: Do you think I'd ever get laid again if people thought I was in deep with the cat people? I fucking think not.

Jess: It's true that if you vote for the half black guy people might think you've got some mojo to go.

Joe: Fuckin' A. Plus, have you noticed that the republicans don't really seem to have my interests at heart?

Jess: yes, Joe I have. I have.

Me me me me me me Meme

Lord lord. You open yourself up for one meme and then there's more. It's like meme porn. I'm expecting the pizza delivery guy to ask me to type the answers to five questions about myself.

Brownchickenbrowncow. (sing that, you'll get it).

Dr. Monkey von Monkerstein has tagged me with this meme he got from Splotchy who has made silliness an art form.

Here goes:

The rules.

1. Post the rules

2. Close your eyes

3. Count to five seconds

4. Type a whole bunch of random crap on the keyboard while you're counting

5. Open your eyes

6. Tag a few people

alkjd

lkeowsekmn

b kjsoekn mcaciani

kmamaoendoiken

lkmea

amel.

There, look! It is a prayer in maninka that John McCain go home to Arizona ne'er to bother us no more. Lovely. And even though it was thrust upon me from a monkey, it was not 1000 monkeys typing for 1000 years to come up with Hamlet. Or however that stupid trope goes.

I never tag anyone because I am a brat like that.

Kisses.
Jess.

Say a Little Meme with Me

The Delightful DGuzman of Impeachment and other dreams tagged me with a meme. Little questions, little answers. Let's see how this goes:

1. Clothes Shop: Savers. Like Goodwill, but money goes to Easter Seals. Whenever you take something there for donation, they give you a 20% off coupon. I started shopping there because the Wundruns are trying to only buy American made products or second hand items. I may never go back to "real" clothes stores again. Honestly, I've probably never bought nicer clothes for myself than since I started buying second hand. (Most of which have never been worn). My little secret is that I've been buying shoes there, too. An amazing amount of shoes come in never worn. I've taken to wearing chunky heels to work, I threaten Artie, the republican dude with a kick to the crotcheola if he pisses me off. Heels are very empowering. Whoops, I digress.

2. Furniture Shop: My sofas came from a local boutique and were manufactured in North Carolina. My kitchen set is a '50s chrome and vinyl retro deal I got at an antique store. My dining room table is from Ikea (it seats ten). My bed is still the one I had when I was married to the ex. Feng Shui acolytes will tell me I ought to get rid of it, what with the fact that ex boned his girlfriend on it. Oh well.

3. Sweet: Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

4. City: Middleton Wisconsin, population 16,000. If I run for mayor, maybe the next stop would be the White House?

5. Drink: pinot grigio. (red wine makes my tummy go whoo.) I'll never turn down a Margarita on the rocks no salt, though.

6. Music: it dawned on me today that I have a thing for wussy bands: Cold Play, Snow Patrol, Oasis. But this is just a phase. It could be worse, I could have said Toby Keith.

7. TV Series: Mad Men

8. Film: Auntie Mame (but you knew that)

9. Workout: yoga. There's a nap at the end for pete's sake! Oh, and I should mention here that I finally got the kayak I was dreaming about last spring. More on that later.

10: Pastries: birthday cake (particularly if it is mine)

11. Coffee: Fair Trade whole bean. I like Guatemalan and Costa Rican. (Coffee is exempt from our 'buy American' program, though Maui Girl says I should buy Hawaiian Kona coffee.)

m. yu's humble pie

m. yu who has the fabulous but NSFW bondage blog The Jade Gate and the political blog Social Seppuku wrote a post the other day about the heightened anxiety of Americans as our consumption-based economy comes crashing down around us. I loved the post and thought it would make a good movie. Here's the movie. You can read the original post here

The Tooth Fairy Has Experienced a Derivitives Meltdown

It finally happened.

I have a few recurring fears about motherhood

• 1. After big Christmas dinner w/wine, will fall asleep and forget about Santa coming.
• 2. After big Easter dinner w/wine, will fall asleep and forget about Easterbunny coming.
• 3. After nothing in particular will forget that even the tenth lost tooth requires trip from tooth fairy, will fall asleep and forget.

#3 happened last night.

We hear today that Governor Sarah Palin has written her own report on trooper gate and has exonerated herself. According to Princess Sparkle Pony, today should be celebrated as "Clear Yourself of All Wrongdoing Day".

Then, in the interest of honoring this day, I officially know nothing about why the fairy did not show up. I was asleep after all, how would I know?

True Story

Artie (Republican Dude or R.D.) at work says that the economic mess is the fault of poor people who took out mortgages they can't afford. I argue that is why we have government oversight, to prevent predatory lending practices. Me: blame goes to predatory lenders. He: blame goes to irresponsible borrowers.

Not two minutes after above debate, he tells me that if he had foreseen the current economic crisis he wouldn't have bought the house he is in.

"Why's that" I say, just wondering.

"It's too much mortgage for me".

Kid you not. Exact quotes.

Umm, Why?

Why did McCain want to do so many town hall style debates? He is breathing heavy, writing copious notes and for all the world sounding like the guy who wants you off his lawn. He seemed LOADS more presidential behind the podium.

Note to Barack: accept the offer for another 11 townhall style debates in the next month!

When She Wallows in the Mud with Her Lipstick On, What Shall We Call Her?

The McCain Campaign, dewy with anxious flop sweat, has determined that the road to the Whitehouse is not paved with anything, but that it is indeed just a muddy rutted back-country road.

Today, free from fear that someone will call her on her bullshit, Sarah Palin called Obama a terrorist for palling around with William Ayers, a 60's radical member of the Weather Underground who is now a professor of English at the University of Illinois in Chicago. Every leading mainstream newsource has discredited any association between Obama and Ayers as a passing acquaintance.

Righties have been trying to push this meme for longer than the Jeremiah Wright canard. One would almost think that Obama hates his country so much he would sleep with a secessionist, and that secessionists business partner to boot. (I mean of course, Todd Palin and his ex-business partner, in case you hadn't heard).

Inside that glass house of Ms. Palin's from whence she is tossing these stones are the other glaring inadequacies of her own:

• Drug-addicted son with anger management difficulties swept off to Iraq.
• Pregnant teen daughter set to wed high school drop-out boyfriend.
• Illegal tax evasion for not paying taxes on unethical per diem charges against the State of Alaska, taken for the days she stayed home and worked out of her house in Wasilla
• The bending of zoning rules for her own profit while mayor of Wasilla
• The failure of the new Alaska pipeline, thanks to a plan to build it straight through Native American property in Canada (that would require diplomacy with a hostile foreign nation, I guess). Even though Palin asked constituents to pray that God's will be done in building the pipeline.
• The continued lie about a "Bridge to Nowhere" and reformer fight to take on her own party. As yet she has not distanced herself from indicted Senator Ted Stevens
• The witch hunting pastor.
• The troopergate coverup
• The tens of thousands of dollars in gifts she received illegally while in office.
• The number of people she had fired for disloyalty
• Defying open records laws by conducting government business on an easily hackable yahoo mail account.
• Todd Palin's inclusion in government business.
• All the hypocrisy.

Add yer own.

Make me a pundit

Last week I hit the depths of despair because I thought that Obama might have not done as well as expected.

This week I saw a solid win by Joe Biden. Palin had notes--wait, I'll capitalize SARAH PALIN SPOKE FROM NOTES and still made no sense.

If anyone says Palin won it is only because she didn't throw up on her shoes.

The one clincher moment that Biden let go by was when they were talking about the commander in chief Biden should have said "Are you prepared?"

That would have won the election by twenty points.

Sarah Palin is Dumber Than.....

A few days ago I mentioned that I hope I don't get called an anti-woman woman for calling Sarah Palin dumber than a box of rocks. Since then I've come across several uses of this same colloquialism for Sarah's endumberment. So I thought, as a public service to both of you reading this that I would google up a list of instances where other bloggers call Sarah dumber than something. And the results are:

Sarah Palin is dumber than Bush
Sarah Palin is dumber than a box of rocks (also plain rocks, a bunch of rocks, a bag of rocks)
Sarah Palin is dumber than a sack of doorknobs
Sarah Palin is dumber than me
Sarah Palin is dumber than a sack of hammers
Sarah Palin is dumber than we thought
Sarah Palin is dumber than John McCain's daughter
Sarah Palin is dumber than a stick
Sarah Palin is dumber than a moose
Sarah Palin is dumber than a snail
Sarah Palin is dumber than a seventh grader
Sarah Palin is dumber than a doornail (yikes!)
Sarah Palin is dumber than a dumb thing from dumbsville
Sarah Palin is dumber than a fence post
Sarah Palin is dumber than a tub of Elmers Paste
Sarah Palin is dumber than a box of Sarah Palins
Sarah Palin is dumber than a bag of cat shit
Sarah Palin is dumber than a pile of bricks

My two faves? Sarah Palin is dumber than a dumb thing from dumbsville and Sarah Palin is dumber than a box of Sarah Palins.

Dear Family Values Voters: Thanks for bringing down the empire.

let us eat cake

Regular readers will attest that I am no genius. Just one of many (ha ha, I kid). But whenever I've come across a blog that asks what will be the legacy of the Bush presidency, for five years at least my answer has been "His presidency will mark the beginning of the end of the United States' role as world superpower". Generally, my opinion was that we wouldn't notice ourselves in a post-American era until after he left office, but it seems that the end of the empire is all too evident right this moment.

In 1989 I was an intern at the United Nations (yes, this gives me more foreign policy experience in spades than Sarah Palin.)That September, I saw George H. W. Bush give his speech before the UN General Assembly. At that time the Berlin Wall had a little less than two months left to go but the jokes at the UN went that GDR (the acronym for East Germany-German Democratic Republic) stood for Gradually Disappearing Republic. History was flipping over in those days, but honestly, inside the UN there wasn't alot of discussion of re-alignment, or the "New World Order".

I don't even recall what Bush talked about. I think it was fairly standard fare. The General Assembly hall was full to the rafters. I sat up in the gallery, next to a Russian staffer. When Bush concluded, the General Assembly cleared. "Who's next?" asked the Russian next to me. "I think Poland speaks next" I said. "Oh," contemplated the Russian" and then in thick Boris accent he said "Unnn Luckkky Poe-lund!" You see, the president of the United States was always such a big draw that any following speaker was left feeling deflated giving a speech to the backs of exiting diplomats.

Reports from Bush v.43.2 at Tuesday's UN General Assembly speech are that many attendants were anything but attentive.

According to the German journal Spiegel

George W. Bush has grown old, erratic and rosy in the eight years of his presidency. Little remains of his combativeness or his enthusiasm for physical fitness. On this sunny Tuesday morning in New York, even his hair seemed messy and unkempt, his blue suit a little baggy around the shoulders, as Bush stepped onto the stage, for the eighth time, at the United Nations General Assembly.

He talked about terrorism and terrorist regimes, and about governments that allegedly support terror. He failed to notice that the delegates sitting in front of and below him were shaking their heads, smiling and whispering, or if he did notice, he was no longer capable of reacting. The US president gave a speech similar to the ones he gave in 2004 and 2007, mentioning the word "terror" 32 times in 22 minutes. At the 63rd General Assembly of the United Nations, George W. Bush was the only one still talking about terror and not about the topic that currently has the rest of the world's attention.

"Absurd, absurd, absurd," said one German diplomat. A French woman called him "yesterday's man" over coffee on the East River. There is another way to put it, too: Bush was a laughing stock in the gray corridors of the UN

The Post American Era. Welcome to it.

Now here is the thing. The last two elections were so close that one was stolen and the next one was so close that it probably was stolen. What got W re-elected after a dismal four years was reportedly "Family Values Voters" meaning not family values at all, but hysterically anti-choice people voting for Bush on the dream and a prayer that he would make abortions illegal and that all cell divisions past the second one would be protected with the might and weight of the full United States Government-all the way up until birth. (And then those babies formerly known as fetuses are on their own.)

In two hundred years and beyond, students of history are going to be baffled by the idea that the right wing fundamentalist hope that women must be forced to bear children that they could not afford nor raise responsibly would be the issue that brought down the greatest superpower in history. This is particularly true because we are also at the end of an era where sustainability is a polite and hopeful word and turning toward an era where every activity of human commerce will need to be sustainable.

I use an easy definition of sustainable as "anything the 6 billion inhabitants of the world can engage in without destroying the earth". The stock market, because it measures progress only in growth is not sustainable. Our shopping malls and markets that produce more waste than useable products that will glut refuse sites and continue to pollute the earth are not sustainable. Having unlimited children and increasing the population further is not sustainable. How the future deals with over population is beyond me. I simply have no idea, but I do know there will be a fundamental shift in thinking between now and then. Perhaps it is a bit like looking back and trying to figure out how a fear of witches could produce hysteria in the new world. We're pretty far removed from the supernatural hopes and fears that guided people in the 17th century.

So, right wing fundie mouth breathers: for bringing us two terms of George W. Bush's reign of error- thanks so much for the Post-American Era. I hope you enjoy your Chinese overlords. BTW, have you heard about their ideas for family planning? Bet you're not too thrilled with those.