Monday, May 5, 2008


Went to Milwaukee to clean out the apartment vacated by a bad tenant. Super nice guy, terrible tenant. According to the woman living downstairs, he would often leave his dog alone in the apartment for long stretches of time. Brand new carpet had to be pulled because it was soaked with dog pee. When they moved in this couple told me they had a small terrier, who lost all its teeth as a baby and needed to be carried down the stairs to go to the bathroom. I guess they thought I'd never come around and see that it was a pit bull. With lots of teeth and very functioning legs. When it wasn't peeing on the carpets, it was taking shits on the balcony. There are turds inbetween the planks on the balcony and in the downspouts.

On the upside, his ex-girlfriend left her video tapes of their sex life. Oh, I kid. There was a little standard missionary sexin' on the tape, rather ho hum. Tenant says that his fiance left him for her drug dealer (oy vey) and that now she's pregnant and on bed rest and doesn't know who the father is. The ovulation kit and four pregnancy tests I found under the bathroom sink say otherwise. For the record, she told neighbors that he was the one on drugs. (I cross myself). Others say that both of them had a problem with alcohol. The SWAT team that showed up one night at 2 AM after the tenant rolled his vehicle on the freeway offramp and then ran away on foot would probably agree with that assessment.

So I'm going back for the next few days to finish the cleanup. I wonder if that sage burning thing they're always doing out in California to rid the place of bad juju has any merit? Sigh.


Sorghum Crow said...

You need to call an exorcist or a hazmat team. Damn.

Anonymous said...

Ah, man. I work for property managers and management firms and the horror stories! Good luck on the clean up. Yuck!

FranIAm said...

Get thee to the new age store and get that sage thing.

No - not kidding!

It stinks at first but it is worth it.

You expect less from someone like me???

Good luck. Bad story makes for good blogging though.


CDP said...

I thought the same thing as Fran; mess, but good story! Hope the clean up isn't too horrible.

Dean Wormer said...


If you need anything-- I know Teamsters. And by "Teamsters" I mean goodfellas.

They can meek folks disappear...

dguzman said...

My dad has had tenants like this--crazy mo-fo's. What a pain.

Perhaps you could call Dean Wormer's "teamsters."

fairlane said...

I believe this is the first time I ever heard of dog shit in a downspout.

This blog is so educational.

Tengrain said...

People are forever showing up with burning sage, but I'm still here.

It doesn't work.



Comrade Kevin said...

At least you didn't get Jeffrey Dahmer's apartment.

Bubs said...

Holy shit. Wow.

Most of the people I know who rent have gotten into the Section 8 housing because it's easier to evict bad tenants and they know they get a guaranteed check from the government.

I'd love to have met these tenants. Maybe I already have, actually...

Jess Wundrun said...

bubs, these kids actually had a large cash settlement from an accident that he was in; he had no credit established but was considering buying the house, possibly on land contract, until she cleared him out when she left.

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