Jerry Lewis Busted For Carrying a Concealed Weapon

Jerry Lewis was nabbed by security agents at the Las Vegas airport for carrying a concealed handgun in his luggage. His publicist claims that the gun was a hollowed out non-functioning weapon that Lewis uses in his act.

I was stunned. Mostly because I was completely unaware that Lewis had an act.

boom bapa chee!

Dear Lord, Thank You for Placing In My Inbox Shit That Writes Itself. Amen.

click to embiggen

Because the Lord God sayeth that you can't pray for China unless you are wearing a cheap plastic bracelet produced by slave labor in China. Buy more-they'll be forced to work harder!!!!

If You Live in South Carolina, I Urge You to Buy the New "I Believe" License Plates

Florida couldn't do it, but by God and praise Jesus, South Carolina's legislature approved the controversial "I believe" license plates. Asked if he thought the plates were a violation of the separation of Church and State, South Carolina legislator and bill sponsor Lawrence K. Grooms said "I didn't see a constitutional problem with it". Deep reasoning indeed.

It seems that proceeds from the plates will not benefit any particular group, so I give the Wundrun seal of approval to these plates. Particularly if you would go out and buy customized license plate frames and decals to go with them. Here are some suggestions:

The original plateOptional Frames with illustrative decals:


As an aside: If you follow the link above to the story in the Christian Post, you'll find some hilarious christian comments.

Right off the bat Loretta49 gives my favorite "This is beautiful and wholesome idea that gives you and everyone around peace and spirituality and anyone who doesn't like it, is a freak with a psychologycal problem and needs to go a psychologist and do not bother people who enjoy their religion and the peace and happiness it brings."

Man Upset About Loss of Food Stamps Hates on Libruls

Most of the places I've seen this on the interwebs has noted that a man shot up a Unitarian Universalist church because of his hatred for their liberal stance. Gays and liberals seem to be taking all the good jobs. (Insert hairdresser/ decorator/ congressman joke here). Yet the other straw cracking this camel's back is that his allotment of food stamps was cut back. Because conservatives would've given him more? Whack.

NASHVILLE, Tennessee (Reuters) - A man who opened fire inside a church, killing two people with a shotgun hidden in a guitar case, was frustrated at being unable to find a job and blamed liberals and gays, police said on Monday.


"It appears that what brought him to this horrible event was his lack of being able to obtain a job, his frustration over that, and his stated hatred of the liberal movement," Knoxville Police Chief Sterling Owen told reporters of Sunday's incident at Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church.

Suspect Jim Adkisson, 58, who was being held on $1 million bond, had previously worked as a mechanical engineer in several states. He described his violent plans in a four-page letter found at his home, which also explained that his age and "liberals and gays" taking jobs had worked against him.

Another recent setback was that Adkisson's allotment of government-issued food stamps had been reduced, Owen said.

Good News

Read "The Myth of a Toss-Up Election". It's good news. However, I'd like to cynically piss in your cheerios by adding that I think the reason we need to believe the race is close is so that the GOP can pull a steal aka 2000. I'm guessing General Electric and Rupert Murdoch agree.

Then again, Gallup has Obama at 9 points ahead of McCain following his European tour.

Better Diplomacy, (brought to you by grown-ups)

Obama Goes to Germany; McCain Eats a Brat*

Barack Obama:
"People of Berlin, people of the world, this is our moment, this is our time," the democratic hopeful told an enthusiastic crowd which local authorities estimated at more than 200,000.

John McCain:McCain had his own German experience Thursday -- at a restaurant in Ohio. "I'd love to give a speech in Germany. But I'd much prefer to do it as president of the United States rather than as a candidate for president,"McCain told reporters after a meal of bratwurst with local business leaders at Schmidt's Sausage Haus und Restaurant in Columbus' German Village neighborhood.

Then he yelled at some kids to get off his lawn.



*That's pronounced [brot] just so you don't assume that McCain ate a small spoiled child. (One of his own? Would that he...)

Tomorrow is the Day

This summer has been chock full o' drama. The drama of the ba da da dum WATERSLIDE!!!!

Ima, the 5 yo, has been contemplating the slide all summer long. She has been in swim lessons for six weeks and every other Friday is fun day. The kids can take a ride down the slide if they want to. Lotta, the 7 yo, has fearlessly gone down the slide since she was three. Not Ima.

The slide is about the height of a three story building. She'll go up to the top of the slide, change her mind and have to do the walk of shame down the stairs. Some moms were trying to think of good bribes to get Ima to go down. I'm happy to report that we really couldn't come up with a good bribe for her. I'd like to think this is because she's not very material. I'd have to confess it's probably because she's reached toy saturation.

The bribe I came up with was a trophy. That is something she really wants. I have a feeling that I'll be staying up late tonight taping toilet paper tubes together to imitate the water slide to attach on an old trophy.

The pool director is in on the drama. Every day she asks Ima if this is the day. Finally, the pool director said that on Ima's last day of lessons she can go down the slide with her teacher. A huge bend of the rules, which Ima is getting because the director thinks she is so stinkin' cute. (Her words).

Just so you don't think Ima's a big wuss, you should know that she goes off the diving board in the 12' deep pool for hours on end. Not scared a bit.

I'll let you know how it goes.

UPDATE: Ima was grabbed by her teacher the minute she hit the pool. "We're going down the slide right now," said Esther W., her teacher.

Ima and Esther went down the slide together twice. Then Ima tackled it all on her own. Over and over. And over. She got caught running toward the stairs she was in such a hurry. We went back on Saturday so that she could spend another two hours doing nothing but going down the slide.

"How many times did you go down the slide?" I asked.

"'bout a dozen," Ima said. She hasn't got a clue how many a dozen is, but it sounds right to her.

Kick Ass Mi Amigos!

Just a subtle reminder that back in 2004 John Kerry was our nominee and John Edwards had already been picked as his running mate.

I was already canvassing. I'm not doing that yet this year. Look, if you are reading this and you are a democrat you need to ask yourself where you can work to promote the most good this year and then do it.

PS> If your blog gets less than 200 hits a day then it's time for you to go out and physically work to get out the vote!!!!

Tight Pussy Loose Shoes and a Warm Place to Shit

A Made in America Update.

Really.

Yes, we are still working on the made in America challenge. We've done pretty well, although we have purposely failed at times and accidentally failed at others. Nonetheless, I'd say 98.5% of the discretionary dollars our family has spent since the beginning of the year has been from domestic products.

After the year is over I swear I won't go back to shopping at regular clothing stores again. Part of our deal was that we could buy any clothes made anywhere as long as we bought them at second-hand stores. Within walking distance from my house is a children's clothing store that is a dream. And I discovered Savers which is set up like a big store but it's like a resale store for Easter Seals. If you spend a little time looking, many things in the store are like new.

Having said that, shoes are a major problem. Children shouldn't wear second hand shoes because their feet are still developing and I shouldn't wear second hand shoes because eww gross.

Last weekend I was at a party and was explaining this whole thing to my cousin. I said "please note that's why everyone in my family has on shabby looking shoes".

"Why's that?" she asked, and I said that almost all shoes are now made in China. She took her sandal off to check the label. "Not this one" she said. "It says 'Made in USA'".

After I stopped crying, she told me she bought her sandals at REI so that's where I went this week to buy my first new pair of shoes since January. Some of you may say 'big deal'. Some of you may wonder how I've survived this long.

Not only did the $95 price tag not deter me, neither did the post-graduate degree required to put on the damn shoes. (Yeah, Ben. That's what I spent. See me for excuses justifications. The shoes are called Chacos. They come with a diagram, just in case you miss the six times the patient salesman tries to show you. If that doesn't work there's a video on their website.

I thought I had my shoes properly adjusted at the store. Then I left and ran some other errands. The toe started to feel really tight - humidity was making my feet swell- and without instructions I desperately tried to adjust my shoes in the grocery store. You know those carnival prizes called 'Chinese handcuffs' where the more you try to pull out of them the tighter they become? That was my toe in these shoes.

I spent an hour or two this morning, and now I think I'm pretty well set.


Oh, and my label says "Assembled With Pride in Colorado USA". How cool is that? (Beware that some of their products are made in China if you're thinking about buying some).

BTW in case you were wondering, the title of this post came from a racist remark made by Earl Butz, Nixon and Ford's Secretary of Agriculture. It also influence my cuss-o-meter nicely. However, I learned the saying from a movie I saw when I was 11 or 12. The whole movie was made up of fake movie trailers, and this song was from a trailer for the fake movie "Darktown after Dark". I had no idea what a 'tight pussy' was, but I used to go around singing the song. It's catchy. Thanks to YouTube I can link to it here. (I had to take the actual video off my page because something was causing my whole layout to shift. Whack.)

Who Is Today's Saint?*

Today's saint is Saint Bonaventure. The best named of all the saints, imho. Unless, of course, there were a Saint Imho. Which I would doubt because "humble" "opinion" and "catholic church" don't seem to be found together much these days. (Humble, opinion and catholic would be my friend Fran).

Here's the deal (according to my Saint-A-Day Guide):

When he was a sickly child Saint Francis of Assissi cured him. When as a young man, he joined the order, Francis cried out "O bona ventura"--What good luck!--and the name stuck. Bonaventure eventually became minister general of the Franciscans and wrote books of mystical, Neoplatonic theology (as opposed to the neo-Aristotelian theology of Saint Thomas Aquinas). When a solemn papal delegations showed up to announce his elevation to cardinal, Bonaventure was washing dishes in the kitchen of the friary. He asked the delegates if they'd mind hanging the cardinal's hat on a tree until he finished doing the dishes.

If Saint Bonaventure were alive today he wouldn't be a saint, he'd be Jimmy Carter, or Alice from the Brady Bunch.

Good luck!

*Can anyone explain why the Hamburglar is depicted in this photo as bringing Bonaventure his hat?

Fancy New Urinals

Just in time for the Republican Convention: Customized outdoor urinals. Indoor bathrooms have been deemed too risky for use by younger GOP'ers.

Jonah Goldberg is a big fat moron

But you knew that.

I will never cease to be amazed that some of these right wing nutjob pundits get to keep their jobs. Wait, did I say some? In yesterday's column Goldberg says that he is shocked that Obama would tie federal college grants to some form of compulsory community service. This, Goldberg claims, is exactly like slavery, something a black man, and our constitution, should be against.

Well, I guess even white overstuffed idiots who write books in which they don't even understand their own premise (Nazis were liberals because they had "socialist" in their title) should be against slavery.

But it seems to me that when a democrat makes a proposal that a Republican ought to love - spending government money with an expectation of a return on that investment - the Republican talking point machine has to melt down and what it spits out need not make any sense whatsoever. It should invoke racial tensions, a fabricated air of fiscal intelligence where none actually exists and use all the hotpoint words.

Jonah Goldberg could easily be replaced by a machine. Or, more cheaply, his job could be off-shored to a ten year old Indian girl with a list of handy phrases next to her computer.

Perhaps that has already happened.

Sweet Pea

My favorite pick your own produce farm opens tomorrow! Yay! A few years ago I joined a CSA and got a big box of veggies every week. Unfortunately, we couldn't eat most of it and that's when we started our compost pile. I did learn to love kohlrabi, though. I can't grow a decent vegetable to save my life and don't really have the yard for it anyway, the sad little row of beans I planted by the fence will attest to this. The pick your own place is my dream come true.

So it is pea season. Every year it sneaks up on me just as we get ready to head nort' for the 4th of July weekend. Nothing is better in the middle of winter than fresh frozen peas, and I've sworn this year I'm really going to stock up. I even have a little pea-sheller that is supposed to make the job easier. As long as the pea pods aren't too thick and tough that is. But I haven't got a clue when I'm going to fit pea picking into my schedule. I've already missed the strawberries that I swore I'd make into jars and jars and jars of jam. At least there are later season berries to make up for the strawberries.

Man, I'd be the world's shittiest farmer if I had to do it for a living.

Schwarzenegger tells tales on the dead.

I watched Meet the Press this morning with Tom Brokaw. It was actually good. How odd to watch a journalist interview a subject, issue actual tough follow up questions and listen to the answers. I know that it's unpopular to go against the current hagiography of Tim Russert, but watching someone else do his show pointed out just what a political hack he was. Sorry.

Tom Brokaw interviewed Arnold Schwarzenegger on today's show. He asked a quick "how did you love Russert, we'll pause while you count the ways" question and Schwarzenegger's response was astounding. He said that when he won the governorship in California, Russert called him and said as soon as Ahnold was ready to run for president, he should call on Russert who would make it happen--changing the constitution and everything. This story was not retold as if it was a joke. Arnold said "sadly, it never happened".

So there we have it. Russert believed himself to be a kingmaker.

I Lied

My darling Wunderlings, I am sorry, but I told you a lie. Life has not been fireflies and lemonade stands, though there's been some. The image just sounded beautiful, like a place I would like to be rather than the place where I am.

I should explain.

Last week I stood on her patio, watering her plants. I thought "she'd be happy to come home and see these". As if she went away on vacation. But she did not. On the last Saturday in spring, just past dinner she said she'd come and do the dishes in a minute but rather sat down in her chair for a rest. She fell asleep, coughed a little, and she did not get up.

We buried her on the last day of spring. Can you believe that at least 300 people came to the church to say goodbye? Can you imagine that I stood up in front of all of them, refusing to cry, and told the world what she meant to me? I could have talked all day, if they'd let me. But did you know that the Catholic Church doesn't like anything secular to invade on their holy space? Just before I spoke I was told that the only reason I could talk about my godmother, my aunt, at her funeral was because my family has been so prominent in the church. God bless the poor sucker who is not. Imagine why I'm no longer Catholic. The priest said "keep it to 3 minutes". I stood at the marble lectern she bought for that church and spoke for more than ten. And no one was sorry that I did.

They buried her, as I said, on the last day of spring. I came back to the grave that night. Already the casket was in the ground, already the dirt was flattened over it. Under the Strawberry moon I sat in her dirt, pulling up fistfuls and telling her "I want you back. I want you back". A wish. It won't happen. I left, barefoot, but a clump of dirt in my hand.

I've so many relatives, so many people-more than 300 as I said. Everyone suffers. But to me, the pain is all around. If I leave my house and go west I will pass her house. When the girls and I go to swim lessons we pass her house. She lived there for more than 50 years. She let me live there for a while too. If I go east, I pass her grave. We saw how they tamp down the dirt with a noisy gas-powered tool. We saw how they cover the grave with straw. Inelegant, true. But how the details are done. We are forced to see them. When the girls and I go to tennis or soccer, we pass her grave. Every day, every day I pass both her house and her grave. I cannot stand the sadness. I want her back.

Two weeks ago I came home from her house, a little slip of a plant in the basket on my bike. I looked like a bush on wheels. She wanted me to have it from her garden. She had insisted and we dug it together. What did I know? This was an everyday thing. I wouldn't have guessed that two days later she would die. Last week I came home from her grave, the last of the dead flowers from her grave. I looked like a dead plant on wheels. Ferns and palms poking from my basket.

I want her back.

There are messages on my answering machine. Everyday things but in her voice. I won't hear again. My whole life I imagined how sad this time would be. Losing her is not like losing a parent, I know that. But it is awfully close. I'm off my rails a bit. I cry too much. I can't find it in me to be quite normal right now.

I want her back. Please understand, I'm just taking a bit to get back to right.

Those Whacky Pranksters at Blackwater.

And they'd have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for the meddling kids at the ATF. Honestly, the only thing that surprises me about this story is that federal agents went and did the right thing. I didn't think this administration allowed that kind of "doing-one's-job" thing anymore.

Here's the story from USA Today:

Federal agents raided a Blackwater armory Tuesday and seized 34 automatic rifles that the company purchased and stored on behalf of a local law enforcement agency, the Associated Press reports.

Anne Tyrrell, a Blackwater spokeswoman, tells AP that ATF agents searched the Moyock, N.C., facility. The raid came after reports on a deal in which the company paid for weapons that were registered in the name of the Camden County, N.C., Sheriff's Office.

"The 2005 agreements gives the sheriff's office unlimited access to the weapons, including 17 Romanian AK-47s and 17 Bushmasters," the wire service says. "But [Sheriff Tony] Perry said his department has only used the AK-47s in shooting practice at Blackwater and that none of his 19 deputies are qualified to use them."

Federal law prohibits private companies or individuals from purchasing automatic weapons.

Fireflies and Lemonade Stands

I'm still here. Light posting while real life intrudes.

Love, Jess.

Why Does this Make Me Think of Enriched Geranium?

Suffer the children of Fallujah

From the Inter Press service:

IRAQ:
'Special Weapons' Have a Fallout on Babies

by Ali al-Fadhily and Dahr Jamail*

FALLUJAH, Jun 12 (IPS) - Babies born in Fallujah are showing illnesses and deformities on a scale never seen before, doctors and residents say.

The new cases, and the number of deaths among children, have risen after "special weaponry" was used in the two massive bombing campaigns in Fallujah in 2004.

After denying it at first, the Pentagon admitted in November 2005 that white phosphorous, a restricted incendiary weapon, was used a year earlier in Fallujah.

In addition, depleted uranium (DU) munitions, which contain low-level radioactive waste, were used heavily in Fallujah. The Pentagon admits to having used 1,200 tonnes of DU in Iraq thus far.

Many doctors believe DU to be the cause of a severe increase in the incidence of cancer in Iraq, as well as among U.S. veterans who served in the 1991 Gulf War and through the current occupation.

"We saw all the colours of the rainbow coming out of the exploding American shells and missiles," Ali Sarhan, a 50-year-old teacher who lived through the two U.S. sieges of 2004 told IPS. "I saw bodies that turned into bones and coal right after they were exposed to bombs that we learned later to be phosphorus.

"The most worrying is that many of our women have suffered loss of their babies, and some had babies born with deformations."

"I had two children who had brain damage from birth," 28-year-old Hayfa' Shukur told IPS. "My husband has been detained by the Americans since November 2004 and so I had to take the children around by myself to hospitals and private clinics. They died. I spent all our savings and borrowed a considerable amount of money."

Shukur said doctors told her that it was use of the restricted weapons that caused her children's brain damage and subsequent deaths, "but none of them had the courage to give me a written report."

"Many babies were born with major congenital malformations," a paediatric doctor, speaking on condition of anonymity, told IPS. "These infants include many with heart defects, cleft lip or palate, Down's syndrome, and limb defects."

The doctor added, "I can say all kinds of problems related to toxic pollution took place in Fallujah after the November 2004 massacre."

Many doctors speak of similar cases and a similar pattern. The indications remain anecdotal, in the absence of either a study, or any available official records.

The Fallujah General Hospital administration was unwilling to give any statistics on deformed babies, but one doctor volunteered to speak on condition of anonymity -- for fear of reprisals if seen to be critical of the administration.

"Maternal exposure to toxins and radioactive material can lead to miscarriage and frequent abortions, still birth, and congenital malformation," the doctor told IPS. There have been many such cases, and the government "did not move to contain the damage, or present any assistance to the hospital whatsoever.

"These cases need intensive international efforts that provide the highest and most recent technologies that we will not have here in a hundred years," he added.

The International Committee of the Red Cross (ICRC) expressed concern Mar. 31 about the lack of medical supplies in hospitals in Baghdad and Basra.

"Hospitals have used up stocks of vital medical items, and require further supplies to cope with the influx of wounded patients. Access to water remains a matter of concern in certain areas," the ICRC said in a statement.

A senior Iraqi health ministry official was quoted as saying Feb. 26 that the health sector is under "great pressure", with scores of doctors killed, an exodus of medical personnel, poor medical infrastructure, and shortage of medicines.

"We are experiencing a big shortage of everything," said the official, "We don't have enough specialist doctors and medicines, and most of the medical equipment is outdated.

"We used to get many spinal and head injures, but were unable to do anything as we didn't have enough specialists and medicines," he added. "Intravenous fluid, which is a simple thing, is not available all the time." He said no new hospitals had been built since 1986.

Iraqi Health Minister Salih al-Hassnawi highlighted the shortage of medicines at a press conference in Arbil in the Kurdistan region in the north Feb. 22. "The Iraqi Health Ministry is suffering from an acute shortage of medicines...We have decided to import medicines immediately to meet the needs."

He said the 2008 health budget meant that total expenditure on medicines, medical equipment and ambulances would amount to an average of 22 dollars per citizen.

But this is too late for the unknown number of babies and their families who bore the consequences of the earlier devastation. And it is too little to cover the special needs of babies who survived with deformations.